Where God Wants Me To Be. (13w1d)

I received an email from Jennie titled, "Where God Wants You To Be" today. And while I rarely open fowards, especially ones that require power point to view, for whatever reason I opened this one. Maybe I was hoping it would be the sign I've been waiting for regarding home schooling; actually I know I was hoping it would provide absolute clarity. And of course it had nothing to do with home schooling children ... but it was touching nonetheless.

It was about people who narrowly missed the attacks on 9/11 for various reasons. One man was bringing his son to Kindergarten for the first time; one man stopped to pick up donuts because it was his "turn" in the office; one stopped to buy a band-aid after developing a blister on the way to work from his new pair of shoes. I have no idea if the stories are true and I suppose it doesn't make a difference if the stories are accurate. Because the message was that wherever you are, whether it's running late for a meeting or stuck in traffic or sitting at your computer blogging for that matter, it's exactly where God wants you be.

This is tough for me to swallow at times (especially when I'm stuck in traffic), but it's certainly not a thought that I'm stranger to. I can remember mentioning to Jason in one of my moments of calm and clarity that perhaps us getting stuck behind the train (or whatever it was) was saving us from an accident on the road.

And maybe, just maybe, I need to accept that this process of discerning is just that ... a process. It's not something that's going to come overnight and we need to take our time making this decision. And that the discerning process is precisely where God wants me and Jason to be at this moment.

We've been having long talks the past couple of days and they've been going well. I finally let my guard down with him to share some of my doubts and fears. I think I'd been afraid to show any weakness in the home schooling option because I didn't want him to pounce on that weakness. And I think he was concerned because he wasn't seeing any doubt on my part and it made him wonder if this was just one of my whims. He mentioned that he was glad to hear my concerns about home schooling because he finally understood how seriously I was taking this decision.

He's definitely more open to the option since we started these talks a couple of weeks ago. And we've even gotten caught up fantasizing about all of the freedoms we'll have if we do decide to go with this choice, like visiting his family whenever we want and not having to wake up at 6 am everyday to get kids on the bus. But as soon as I think in my head, "okay, we're going to do this" I have this overwhelming anxiety of, "oh shit, we're going to do this?!".

One thing I know for certain, though, is that we can't make this decision until both of us are clear on what it is (and we agree). We've decided to pray about it and just accept that the answer will come in God's time. Please, Lord, give me the patience to trust in discernment.

Houston, we have a doula! (12w0d)

As expected, the meeting with Jackie and Tera went exceptionally well. I really liked them both very much. And although Jason and I haven't gotten a chance to discuss it (he had to leave for work before we were finished and I was at my 7 Habits training all day today), I'm pretty sure Jackie is the one. Yay!

Today was exhausting, though. Sam woke up several times last night for no particular reason and I had to be at Fatima at 7:30 to start the training course for the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Becky Kreamer is teaching it to us and I'm so glad to be a part of it. It's going to help us tremendously. Especially if we end up homeschooling.

I guess I haven't mentioned it yet, but we're exploring the possibility of home schooling the kids. I'm overwhelmed at the prospect, but feel like it's been placed on my heart to look into it. And the more I read about it, the more intrigued I am. I'll go into more detail on my feelings when I'm not so tired, but it is a little ironic that a course I'm being offered because we're enrolled at Fatima is going to help me stay organized enough to home school.

My Appointment with Dr. Bourque (11w5d)

My appointment with Dr. Bourque went so well yesterday that I stayed on a high. I feel very blessed to have him as my OB, especially after reading so many horror stories about VBACs and how womens' doctors treated them during the process.

I was able to ask him all of my questions (he answered some before I could even ask!) and my only basic worry is who would be on call should I go into labor when Dr. Bourque's not available. He was frank with me in explaining that Dr. Daigle would not at all be okay with me VBACing on his watch and that unfortunately, in the unlikely event that this did unfold, he'd have to support Dr. Daigle's decision. I understand, but it still makes me a little uneasy. He did mention that he might be able to call on Dr. Padgett or Dr. Kennedy if this were to happen. But all of this is so far away, so I'm going to try and not worry about that and focus on what I can control instead.

I ordered my used copy of Hypnobabies today along with the VBAC Success CD. I'm anxious to receive it and look through the information.

We're also meeting with Jackie and Tera from Mother's Touch tomorrow. (Jackie had to reschedule because one of her kids was ill and Tera wanted to come along anyway but couldn't until tomorrow.) I'm looking forward to the meeting and I'm going to discuss with them my concerns about alienating myself from the staff at General if I bring along a doula. Part of me feels like some of the portions deemed imperative to natural childbirth (a birth plan, a doula, a pissy attitude toward medical personnel) are somewhat of an overkill where LGMC is concerned. Dr. Bourque talked about how supportive they are of natural childbirth and that my experience would be completely different than what I had at Women's. I know he's right in that respect, and I guess I'm more or less looking for a background support person ... not someone who would necessarily be speaking to the nurses on my behalf.

We did meet with Andrea last week and the meeting went well. I like the fact that she's a certified massage therapist who specialized in prenatal massage. Even if we don't hire her as our doula, I'm certain I'll use her a time or two for massage. I attended her prenatal yoga class at Thomas Park last night and it was great. Very calming and relaxing and exactly what I needed.

We'll see what tomorrow brings!

More Doula Stuff ... (10w3d)

We met with Erica on Friday and the meeting went very well. She was very sweet and I could tell that she really enjoys what she does.

I was a little bothered by a couple of things, though. One was that she canceled on us for Thursday because we had some hefty rain coming through. This was after she'd already called and said she'd be late because she had a flat tire. And the second was that she didn't ask if it was okay that she brought her 2-year-old along. It honestly wasn't a big deal, except that he was constantly distracting her and pulling on her shirt and just generally fussing ... and if she'd asked if it was cool if he came along, I totally wouldn't have minded.

But I just felt like she wasn't totally there with us. And it concerns me a little bit about the canceling over the rain thing.

We meet Friday with a friend of hers, Andrea Cohen, and also Jackie from Mother's Touch. Andrea mentioned on the phone about a prenatal yoga class she's starting on Wednesday. If I can find someone to watch the kids, I'll probably go. It'll be a good break.