Where God Wants Me To Be. (13w1d)

I received an email from Jennie titled, "Where God Wants You To Be" today. And while I rarely open fowards, especially ones that require power point to view, for whatever reason I opened this one. Maybe I was hoping it would be the sign I've been waiting for regarding home schooling; actually I know I was hoping it would provide absolute clarity. And of course it had nothing to do with home schooling children ... but it was touching nonetheless.

It was about people who narrowly missed the attacks on 9/11 for various reasons. One man was bringing his son to Kindergarten for the first time; one man stopped to pick up donuts because it was his "turn" in the office; one stopped to buy a band-aid after developing a blister on the way to work from his new pair of shoes. I have no idea if the stories are true and I suppose it doesn't make a difference if the stories are accurate. Because the message was that wherever you are, whether it's running late for a meeting or stuck in traffic or sitting at your computer blogging for that matter, it's exactly where God wants you be.

This is tough for me to swallow at times (especially when I'm stuck in traffic), but it's certainly not a thought that I'm stranger to. I can remember mentioning to Jason in one of my moments of calm and clarity that perhaps us getting stuck behind the train (or whatever it was) was saving us from an accident on the road.

And maybe, just maybe, I need to accept that this process of discerning is just that ... a process. It's not something that's going to come overnight and we need to take our time making this decision. And that the discerning process is precisely where God wants me and Jason to be at this moment.

We've been having long talks the past couple of days and they've been going well. I finally let my guard down with him to share some of my doubts and fears. I think I'd been afraid to show any weakness in the home schooling option because I didn't want him to pounce on that weakness. And I think he was concerned because he wasn't seeing any doubt on my part and it made him wonder if this was just one of my whims. He mentioned that he was glad to hear my concerns about home schooling because he finally understood how seriously I was taking this decision.

He's definitely more open to the option since we started these talks a couple of weeks ago. And we've even gotten caught up fantasizing about all of the freedoms we'll have if we do decide to go with this choice, like visiting his family whenever we want and not having to wake up at 6 am everyday to get kids on the bus. But as soon as I think in my head, "okay, we're going to do this" I have this overwhelming anxiety of, "oh shit, we're going to do this?!".

One thing I know for certain, though, is that we can't make this decision until both of us are clear on what it is (and we agree). We've decided to pray about it and just accept that the answer will come in God's time. Please, Lord, give me the patience to trust in discernment.