Exhausted and Overwhelmed.

Or how exhausted and overwhelmed are not a good combination.

Jason leaves for Houston in three weeks. And it hit us today that we're just not going with him. We knew it was a possibility but I guess I couldn't let my head even go there until necessary. And it became necessary today.

He ordered me down for a nap around 2:30 and even though I was emotionally and physically spent (I'd spent the majority of the morning crying over the overwhelmed-ness that is my life at the moment), I couldn't sleep. Too much traveling through my brain to even begin the shutdown process.

Unfortunately, it's been like this at night as well and if I'm kept up for too long at one of Eleanor's mid-night feedings, my mind starts processing again and I have a hard time falling asleep. I had one of those nights last night. And it's nights like that that can make me irrationally angry with Jason for possessing the ability to just shut his brain off and nod off to sleep at a moment's notice. I always feel a pang of envy regarding this ability of his, but it downright pisses me off when I'm on the three-hour time clock of a newborn. Because sleeping for less than three hours at a time is tough enough. Add in an extra long feeding or a fussy baby who's not quite ready to head back to dreamland and every minute starts to become precious.

It's a frustrating cycle and one I'm not coping well with at the moment. Under normal circumstances, I'd be able to fall back asleep in a reasonable amount of time. Or take a nap in the afternoon for God's sake. But not now. There's too much to think about. It might go like this ...

Who's going to buy this house? Are we overpriced? (We lowered the price by 10K today) Should we hire a realtor? (If we do this, we might not have quite enough to put 20% down on the new house, thus suffering from PMI.) Are we crazy for moving to Katy? (Where the property taxes are 3+% as opposed to 2+% but the schools are better and we have family already living there) How am I going to keep up with the house when Jason's gone? (It's tough enough keeping it immaculate for a potential showing when we're both here) Crap, what about homeschooling? We're caught up with this school year, but how am I going to do this and sell a house and nurse a newborn and cook dinner and and and ...

So it hit me. Hayes has to get back into school. He's going to be doing it anyway in Katy (or wherever we land); we've already decided as much. And right now, I'm not doing him any justice. We're rushing through math and spelling just so I can mentally cross it off my list. And frankly, the idea of having one less kid in the house for a few hours a day, thus alleviating enough mess to make it worth it, is too appealing. It's a selfish reason, I suppose. But one that's valid enough in my book. (And Jason's too.) So Hayes and I set off this afternoon in search of a couple of uniforms to get him through ... and we report tomorrow morning at 7:45 am sharp to get him ready for his first day at Broadmoor. (We toyed with the idea of calling Fatima to see if there was a spot, but felt it would be too traumatic for him to leave it again.)

Sigh. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. One less stress factor at the moment. Of course it comes with its own additional stresses, but they're stresses (homework, etc) we'll be facing once we move anyway. And the only reason we're starting so soon is because we felt like he needed one transition at a time. Jason moving and him starting in the same week would have been way too much. This, at least, we'll have some time to adjust to before we make another adjustment.

Next step is getting the twins back into Grace for Mother's Day Out ...