Just as I figured, yet it was still a nice relief (this seems to be a running theme for the week). The nurse mentioned that they were looking for two heart accelerations (not decels) within 20 minutes that were 15 seconds long each. And New Baby pulled out all the stops before falling asleep 10 minutes into the test and gave us four sets of accelerations.
Go back on Thursday for a repeat performance and again on Tuesday for a re-check of fluid. Am trying desperately to relax and take this one day at a time but I'm not doing so well with that, which makes me worry that my blood pressure is going to be sky high very soon. Sigh.
All I want is to be pregnant and growing a life inside of me. Why all the worry and anxiety? And why can't I just go with the flow of what's going on and remain calm? What's preventing me from just letting go and trusting my body to do what it's doing and just simply not allowing all these outward influences to affect me?
My prayer lately has been complete surrender to God and to his will. And I was crying to Mom on Saturday about why I just can't do this and she had the simplest of answers. It's because we, as human beings, aren't able to just surrender. It takes God's grace to do so. So, God? I felt your grace when we found out we were having twins and at their subsequent birth. I've felt your grace surrounding us when we were discerning homeschooling. And your grace has been palpable countless other times in my life. Please, Lord, be with me during this time. Allow me to feel your presence and to trust in your will. Help me let go of the notion that your will needs to match mine and to see that my will needs to match yours because yours is what is best for me. Amen.
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